getting into the swing of the limbo of things...
i do not like gyms.
i realize that everyone is there with similar goals--to look good naked, to support healthy hearts, to increase their endurance and muscle tone. but i am not the type who enjoys sweating around a group of strangers unless i am dancing, fucking (well--with one person who's not a stranger), or lifting heavy furniture. i am not an exercise enthusiast, clearly, but i did finally get over my disgust of it because i realized how good it could help me to feel. getting through a workout at my own pace, pushing myself according to my own limits--these are private things that my still self-conscious mind does not want to deal with around people who have no idea what it is like to have my body issues. plus, i don't have a sports bra, so when i have to hold my tits while i'm jumping up and down, it's nice to be in the privacy of my own living room, blinds down, cheesy aerobic music turned up, with only the unseeing eyes of a cast of mostly perfect bodies displaying the possibility of what i could look like if i keep at it.
for the most part, all exercise videos are hilarious. because the aerobic guru responsible for keeping the viewer's energy up always finds the most ridiculous ways to encourage me. "you're doing great! keep up the energy!" i could be sitting on the floor with a cigarette hanging from my mouth for all she knows. i just want the instructor to keep giving me the instructions i need to get through the routine. reminders are fine: "you're going to sweat a lot, so take a water break whenever you need one." "compliment your workout with a healthy diet." those things are fine. but it makes no sense to me to record compliments that, after being repeated dozens of times, still mean nothing.
some people say that the reason they join a gym is because they lack the discipline to work out at home. and i can understand that. i wouldn't have gotten a college degree if i hadn't gone to an institution where teachers guided me. but unlike my lifetime habit of being a nerd, taking better care of my body is something that i lack the discipline and motivation to do. now that i'm getting older, and feeling the changes that have become more apparent as my body enters its fourth decade on this earth, it is more important to me to take better care of myself. not just because i want to feel completely comfortable naked, but because i want to stick around long enough to accomplish a lot more. if i want to change careers when i'm fifty, i want to have another decade to pursue that path, and a decade after to enjoy retirement, if i have the fiscal means to do so (otherwise...who really wants to spend the last years of their lives struggling just like they did out of college?)...
i know that i am less prone to take care of things when i am the only person they affect. i've come a long way in the past ten years, and i still have a ways to go before i can feel like i'm doing a good job being an adult. it is important to me to have the ability to care for myself. i can't afford a nutritionist, or even really the healthiest vegetarian foods. i don't want to quit smoking (yet), and i should probably invest in vitamins. working out is one of the few things i can do for myself to help with the long-term. the future that i can't see yet. the inevitable slow death that my body is no longer ignorant of. it's not pessimistic--it's fact. and it also makes me want to enjoy my body while i can, because i may not always have the flexibility i do now. joints go bad. range of motion decreases. bones can become more frail. despite being overweight, i'm still sturdy, and i do enjoy pushing myself as far as i can because it affirms the strength of life flowing through me.
being overweight my whole life has caused me to pay attention to things that not everyone does. i know that all of us have our insecurities. and i know that the people who've really mattered to me have always been able to see how beautiful and amazing i am despite my not being anywhere near the social standard of "hot." it's easy sometimes to think that life would've been completely different had i been thin. i mean--life would have been completely different. but i wouldn't be who i am today. as cliche as that sounds, i'm pretty proud of who i am. i can create a list of faults just as easily as i can strengths, but all of those things combine to form the complex layers that make up my identity. and i have enjoyed exploring those layers, and look forward to changes that lead to changes within layers. the external and the internal. who we are is not our bodies. but in order to more fully enjoy the ride, i know i need to take care and love the vessel that's getting me through.
i realize that everyone is there with similar goals--to look good naked, to support healthy hearts, to increase their endurance and muscle tone. but i am not the type who enjoys sweating around a group of strangers unless i am dancing, fucking (well--with one person who's not a stranger), or lifting heavy furniture. i am not an exercise enthusiast, clearly, but i did finally get over my disgust of it because i realized how good it could help me to feel. getting through a workout at my own pace, pushing myself according to my own limits--these are private things that my still self-conscious mind does not want to deal with around people who have no idea what it is like to have my body issues. plus, i don't have a sports bra, so when i have to hold my tits while i'm jumping up and down, it's nice to be in the privacy of my own living room, blinds down, cheesy aerobic music turned up, with only the unseeing eyes of a cast of mostly perfect bodies displaying the possibility of what i could look like if i keep at it.
for the most part, all exercise videos are hilarious. because the aerobic guru responsible for keeping the viewer's energy up always finds the most ridiculous ways to encourage me. "you're doing great! keep up the energy!" i could be sitting on the floor with a cigarette hanging from my mouth for all she knows. i just want the instructor to keep giving me the instructions i need to get through the routine. reminders are fine: "you're going to sweat a lot, so take a water break whenever you need one." "compliment your workout with a healthy diet." those things are fine. but it makes no sense to me to record compliments that, after being repeated dozens of times, still mean nothing.
some people say that the reason they join a gym is because they lack the discipline to work out at home. and i can understand that. i wouldn't have gotten a college degree if i hadn't gone to an institution where teachers guided me. but unlike my lifetime habit of being a nerd, taking better care of my body is something that i lack the discipline and motivation to do. now that i'm getting older, and feeling the changes that have become more apparent as my body enters its fourth decade on this earth, it is more important to me to take better care of myself. not just because i want to feel completely comfortable naked, but because i want to stick around long enough to accomplish a lot more. if i want to change careers when i'm fifty, i want to have another decade to pursue that path, and a decade after to enjoy retirement, if i have the fiscal means to do so (otherwise...who really wants to spend the last years of their lives struggling just like they did out of college?)...
i know that i am less prone to take care of things when i am the only person they affect. i've come a long way in the past ten years, and i still have a ways to go before i can feel like i'm doing a good job being an adult. it is important to me to have the ability to care for myself. i can't afford a nutritionist, or even really the healthiest vegetarian foods. i don't want to quit smoking (yet), and i should probably invest in vitamins. working out is one of the few things i can do for myself to help with the long-term. the future that i can't see yet. the inevitable slow death that my body is no longer ignorant of. it's not pessimistic--it's fact. and it also makes me want to enjoy my body while i can, because i may not always have the flexibility i do now. joints go bad. range of motion decreases. bones can become more frail. despite being overweight, i'm still sturdy, and i do enjoy pushing myself as far as i can because it affirms the strength of life flowing through me.
being overweight my whole life has caused me to pay attention to things that not everyone does. i know that all of us have our insecurities. and i know that the people who've really mattered to me have always been able to see how beautiful and amazing i am despite my not being anywhere near the social standard of "hot." it's easy sometimes to think that life would've been completely different had i been thin. i mean--life would have been completely different. but i wouldn't be who i am today. as cliche as that sounds, i'm pretty proud of who i am. i can create a list of faults just as easily as i can strengths, but all of those things combine to form the complex layers that make up my identity. and i have enjoyed exploring those layers, and look forward to changes that lead to changes within layers. the external and the internal. who we are is not our bodies. but in order to more fully enjoy the ride, i know i need to take care and love the vessel that's getting me through.
Comments
Post a Comment