young professional
i've been thinking about work lately (again).
it's very american to ask people, upon meeting them, what they "do." our jobs, our income, are so important in a capitalist society. but as a person who felt the threat of the working years approaching and clung to all that was left of a carefree adolescence while she could, i still have such a hard time knowing that so much of my life is used up for the sake of a paycheck. when i was younger, i hoped that i would be able to eventually find a profession that i enjoyed. a job that had the ideal balance of good-pay and intellectual/emotional reward. i have yet to find that job. and since i have now been working for nearly sixteen years at jobs that do not provide this ideal balance, it's easy to see why i'm feeling a little burned out.
but the issue of not having yet found a suitable profession only makes me realize that i am still responsible for how my life is defined. since i have rebelled against the notion of one's job creating one's identity, i've found plenty of other ways to nurture the parts of my life that do fuel my sense of self.
i get angry with people who fail to recognize how fortunate they are. i have a conditional prejudice against rich people, because most of the hardest working people i know, who are essentially responsible for keeping our society intact, do not earn enough money to enjoy their lives. they're all working themselves away, exhausting their bodies and minds, devoting hours to a company rather than to their families. it's a terrible ideology that has led us here. and it is difficult to work within the system that was designed by people who've got different ideas of success than i do, difficult to find routes that will lead to a compromise that doesn't leave me feeling like i've sacrificed too much of myself, my beliefs.
so i guess i've been thinking about compromise as well. i always tell people, with regard to relationships, that compromise is necessary, but that you should never compromise to the extent that you're sacrificing your sense of happiness or well-being. your job should follow the same principle. and many of us are miserable at our jobs. it's part of the reasons bars and recreational drugs remain popular. we're all finding ways to escape, if only for a day or two out of the week, so that we can deal with going back to whatever place of employment is sucking the life out of us.
there has been a lot of death lately. it is not as hard to mourn the loss of those who've lived full lives, those who made it to senior citizen status. but that also makes me think of how we work our youth away, and retire when our bodies are worn, tired, and often severely damaged. the movie Holiday, starring katherine hepburn and cary grant, is about a man who's engaged to a young woman from a rich family. he (grant's character) comes home with the fiancee to meet her family, but has been warned not to speak of his plans to travel, and just to accept a job offer from the father-in-law-to-be. he meets hepburn's character, who is a little bohemian, though also recognizes how her family's wealth has provided her the opportunity to live alternatively. anyway, grant's character gives a speech at some point to explain why he doesn't want to accept the job from the fiancee's father--because he wants to explore the world and himself, and collect experiences while he has the energy to do so. he wants to live out the retirement first, then go to work for thirty years. this rang so true for me, and it was all the more frustrating to be reminded that there have always been people who disagree with the way things are, but who ultimately, either can't or don't do anything to help change the system so that it compliments ways of living that are more conducive to our natural curiosities and desire for exploration.
i am considering going back to school. even saying that is terrifying. not because i have any doubt about my ability to obtain a higher degree, but because the potential added debt that the degree would add to my already absurd debt is so daunting. i have already reached a point where i am forced to pursue jobs of a certain income--and my debts won't stop simply because i am returning to school--so i have to be able to work full time AND take classes. gone are the days i can just be a student. and i don't know if i have the energy to do all that. i don't know if i have the motivation.
but the reason i lack motivation is because i have no sense of future. i never really did, and my life has only reinforced the fact that i should be living in the moment. there are no guarantees. i have to be able to take care of myself. i have to give of myself in various ways, and sometimes i am rewarded or compensated for the time and energy i give, but that's it. there's no retirement plan. there's no end in sight to the weight money holds over my life. there's just the job tomorrow, the paycheck that's already spent, the shift on friday, the weekend with its chores and a visit from a friends squeezed in, and then the next shift.
and now? right now, i am typing. i am sitting in a rental property that i can barely afford, with just enough food to keep me from starving over the next few days, a pack of cigarettes, the sound of crickets, two cats, and an itch that i just can't scratch.
it's very american to ask people, upon meeting them, what they "do." our jobs, our income, are so important in a capitalist society. but as a person who felt the threat of the working years approaching and clung to all that was left of a carefree adolescence while she could, i still have such a hard time knowing that so much of my life is used up for the sake of a paycheck. when i was younger, i hoped that i would be able to eventually find a profession that i enjoyed. a job that had the ideal balance of good-pay and intellectual/emotional reward. i have yet to find that job. and since i have now been working for nearly sixteen years at jobs that do not provide this ideal balance, it's easy to see why i'm feeling a little burned out.
but the issue of not having yet found a suitable profession only makes me realize that i am still responsible for how my life is defined. since i have rebelled against the notion of one's job creating one's identity, i've found plenty of other ways to nurture the parts of my life that do fuel my sense of self.
i get angry with people who fail to recognize how fortunate they are. i have a conditional prejudice against rich people, because most of the hardest working people i know, who are essentially responsible for keeping our society intact, do not earn enough money to enjoy their lives. they're all working themselves away, exhausting their bodies and minds, devoting hours to a company rather than to their families. it's a terrible ideology that has led us here. and it is difficult to work within the system that was designed by people who've got different ideas of success than i do, difficult to find routes that will lead to a compromise that doesn't leave me feeling like i've sacrificed too much of myself, my beliefs.
so i guess i've been thinking about compromise as well. i always tell people, with regard to relationships, that compromise is necessary, but that you should never compromise to the extent that you're sacrificing your sense of happiness or well-being. your job should follow the same principle. and many of us are miserable at our jobs. it's part of the reasons bars and recreational drugs remain popular. we're all finding ways to escape, if only for a day or two out of the week, so that we can deal with going back to whatever place of employment is sucking the life out of us.
there has been a lot of death lately. it is not as hard to mourn the loss of those who've lived full lives, those who made it to senior citizen status. but that also makes me think of how we work our youth away, and retire when our bodies are worn, tired, and often severely damaged. the movie Holiday, starring katherine hepburn and cary grant, is about a man who's engaged to a young woman from a rich family. he (grant's character) comes home with the fiancee to meet her family, but has been warned not to speak of his plans to travel, and just to accept a job offer from the father-in-law-to-be. he meets hepburn's character, who is a little bohemian, though also recognizes how her family's wealth has provided her the opportunity to live alternatively. anyway, grant's character gives a speech at some point to explain why he doesn't want to accept the job from the fiancee's father--because he wants to explore the world and himself, and collect experiences while he has the energy to do so. he wants to live out the retirement first, then go to work for thirty years. this rang so true for me, and it was all the more frustrating to be reminded that there have always been people who disagree with the way things are, but who ultimately, either can't or don't do anything to help change the system so that it compliments ways of living that are more conducive to our natural curiosities and desire for exploration.
i am considering going back to school. even saying that is terrifying. not because i have any doubt about my ability to obtain a higher degree, but because the potential added debt that the degree would add to my already absurd debt is so daunting. i have already reached a point where i am forced to pursue jobs of a certain income--and my debts won't stop simply because i am returning to school--so i have to be able to work full time AND take classes. gone are the days i can just be a student. and i don't know if i have the energy to do all that. i don't know if i have the motivation.
but the reason i lack motivation is because i have no sense of future. i never really did, and my life has only reinforced the fact that i should be living in the moment. there are no guarantees. i have to be able to take care of myself. i have to give of myself in various ways, and sometimes i am rewarded or compensated for the time and energy i give, but that's it. there's no retirement plan. there's no end in sight to the weight money holds over my life. there's just the job tomorrow, the paycheck that's already spent, the shift on friday, the weekend with its chores and a visit from a friends squeezed in, and then the next shift.
and now? right now, i am typing. i am sitting in a rental property that i can barely afford, with just enough food to keep me from starving over the next few days, a pack of cigarettes, the sound of crickets, two cats, and an itch that i just can't scratch.
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