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10/11/11

Among other things that we talked about, i listened to her describe how she’d been assaulted,

And my first thought was to simply acknowledge how awful that was,

It took me another few moments to acknowledge that it had happened to me

And so many other women i know

In so many different contexts,

Where the result was always the same, like she said,

It had ruined a part of her.

We were talking about sexuality,

About how these bodies, while temporary,

Are not simply disposable.

and i think women struggle with their sexuality

because of the remnants of double standards

that say that a woman who is interested in exploring her sexuality

is simply easy.

And we find ourselves in situations that we later feel responsible for

Even though, many times, we did have the sense to say

No.

And that’s why it is more difficult

When there is someone we have said yes to—

Why sex does complicate everything.

Even in the presence of mutual desire,

There is no guarantee that it is truly mutual,

No way to tell what one person wants,

Because despite what one person says

There is always more at work.

The few times that i’ve allowed that hunger to take over

To guide my actions;

When i’ve wanted nothing more than to simply feel

That penetration,

It’s strange how i am simultaneously so numb

But there is a part of me that has shut down,

That has given up,

That has hidden,

That has compromised in order for my appetite to

Pursue what it thinks will satiate it.

I don’t want to follow patterns that do not satisfy enough of my being.

And lately i have felt scared that i will never be able to love someone,

Because i don’t know if enough of me will ever be capable.

I know that i am becoming stronger,

With every experience,

With every connection that i make

Or recognize.

I need to believe that i am evolving.

I don’t want to allow myself to feel nothing.

And i don’t want to feel too much either,

But i want to feel like i am allowed to feel more.