the illusion of adulthood
when i was younger, i used to imagine what it would be like to be older, but i never imagined life beyond my early twenties. so when i hit thirty last year, it was all sorts of surreal. but so far my third decade has offered me proof that the universe is working in conjunction with my whimsical sense of curiosity and need for continuous growth. some evidence of that growth manifests within the relationships i have with other people. but it also shows itself through my ability to let more and more roll off my back. my self-esteem, which adolescence shot to hell, has made a steady upward climb for over a decade, and is in better shape than i think it has been since i was a toddler. my confidence in myself and my sense of what i want is more clear to me now, and though i'm still prone to stress myself out, i have an easier time getting back to the center where i recognize my strength, wisdom, and sense of contentment lie. this thing called adulthood is misleading. there isn't a magic age at which suddenly i will feel as if i've got it all figured out. perhaps some people reach a point at which they feel they've "established themselves." yet i refuse to adopt any labels that have to be set in stone. i know that my life is somewhat unconventional, but only because my ways of thinking are as well. my principles, my beliefs, my philosophies are all reflected in the things i do and the ways i choose to live. if i remain true to myself, that's something that will not change. i consider how terrifying it must have been for my parents, who in their late twenties became parents and accepted the challenges and responsibilities that came with raising a family. i'll admit i'm too selfish to commit to something so noble. however, i think it's smart to recognize, not only my lack of desire to pursue that path, but that i can still live a full life without traditional goals. the frustrating thing about this age is that so many questions remain. what will i be doing in another five years? when will i be able to buy a house? where will i decide to live? despite the unnerving uncertainties, i enjoy the fact that life is still full of surprises. just when i think things are becoming too monotonous or predictable, the universe throws something at me that i wasn't expecting to spice things up a bit. every time my pseudo-routine becomes a little too comfortable, i'm forced again to reconsider, reevaluate, and make sure i'm still pursuing those avenues that will add to my sense of happiness. and happiness is a dynamic thing. i have a spiritual level, an intellectual level, a physical level, an emotional level--all of which require different ingredients to remain balanced.
when i was younger i also knew that with each new year added to my age, i would only acquire more and more responsibility. i dreaded growing older for that reason. i remember people saying that it wasn't all that bad--that things would get better, that i would enjoy being older. for the most part i do. i am not one of those people who would wish to return to an earlier point in my life. i don't glorify my own past. i appreciate what i have been through, because my collective experiences have brought me to this point here, but i would never want to go back. that would be regression. i need the inertia inherent in forward motion to help me feel as if i am truly traveling. not toward some destiny, but toward a stronger, more content, more confident version of myself.
the students i have who are younger have a sense of entitlement that i do not understand. i remember being lazy. i'm still a bit of a slacker. but i never believed that the world would simply give me what i wanted or needed. i understood that everything required some work. that is still the case. while sometimes i do worry that i'll work my life away, i also know that it's not in my nature to sacrifice my sense of wellness for a paycheck. i'll struggle; i'll give up the opportunity to make more money if it means i get to spend more time with friends, family, or alone. i'll give up shifts to enjoy my life. it may seem irresponsible. unmotivated. unambitious. but i learned a long time ago that there is much more to life than a higher income. as long as i'm not a burden to anyone else, i see nothing wrong with prioritizing my sense of happiness over a socially imposed sense of duty to a career.
besides--what is a career? a job. a job that someone keeps for a very long time. on one hand people do this for a sense of security. but job security, like so many other things, seems to be an illusion, or at least a distraction that allows us to shift our worry to something else more pressing. i admire people who've found a career that satisfies them in more than a fiscal sense. personally, i have yet to find a job that fulfills my desires--that combines the need for intellect with a sense of doing something good for the world. it seems that most of the jobs that would satisfy that desire wouldn't earn me much more money than what i'm making now, so i don't think my lack of ambition has to do with a lack of motivation, but with the understanding that the most rewarding work is rarely the highest paid.
most of the new chapters in my life have not developed out of planning. the time for change came. opportunities presented themselves, and i picked a direction like a card from a deck of possibilities. this has worked. it hasn't offered me much stability. it hasn't offered me much in the way of saving money. it hasn't offered me a retirement plan. but it's given me endless moments with people and with myself that i would not trade for the world. i wouldn't have gotten to this point had it not been for my unwavering sense of duty to myself. so adulthood for me only represents the degree of positivity that i allow to influence my life. the older i get, the more i let go of the negativity i harbored for so long. it was inhibiting; it stunted my ability to advance. if the older i get, the less there will be within me holding me back, then i do look forward to gaining more years, more experience. i look forward to enjoying life beneath the surface and beyond the boundaries of what i might expect or imagine will happen.
when i was younger i also knew that with each new year added to my age, i would only acquire more and more responsibility. i dreaded growing older for that reason. i remember people saying that it wasn't all that bad--that things would get better, that i would enjoy being older. for the most part i do. i am not one of those people who would wish to return to an earlier point in my life. i don't glorify my own past. i appreciate what i have been through, because my collective experiences have brought me to this point here, but i would never want to go back. that would be regression. i need the inertia inherent in forward motion to help me feel as if i am truly traveling. not toward some destiny, but toward a stronger, more content, more confident version of myself.
the students i have who are younger have a sense of entitlement that i do not understand. i remember being lazy. i'm still a bit of a slacker. but i never believed that the world would simply give me what i wanted or needed. i understood that everything required some work. that is still the case. while sometimes i do worry that i'll work my life away, i also know that it's not in my nature to sacrifice my sense of wellness for a paycheck. i'll struggle; i'll give up the opportunity to make more money if it means i get to spend more time with friends, family, or alone. i'll give up shifts to enjoy my life. it may seem irresponsible. unmotivated. unambitious. but i learned a long time ago that there is much more to life than a higher income. as long as i'm not a burden to anyone else, i see nothing wrong with prioritizing my sense of happiness over a socially imposed sense of duty to a career.
besides--what is a career? a job. a job that someone keeps for a very long time. on one hand people do this for a sense of security. but job security, like so many other things, seems to be an illusion, or at least a distraction that allows us to shift our worry to something else more pressing. i admire people who've found a career that satisfies them in more than a fiscal sense. personally, i have yet to find a job that fulfills my desires--that combines the need for intellect with a sense of doing something good for the world. it seems that most of the jobs that would satisfy that desire wouldn't earn me much more money than what i'm making now, so i don't think my lack of ambition has to do with a lack of motivation, but with the understanding that the most rewarding work is rarely the highest paid.
most of the new chapters in my life have not developed out of planning. the time for change came. opportunities presented themselves, and i picked a direction like a card from a deck of possibilities. this has worked. it hasn't offered me much stability. it hasn't offered me much in the way of saving money. it hasn't offered me a retirement plan. but it's given me endless moments with people and with myself that i would not trade for the world. i wouldn't have gotten to this point had it not been for my unwavering sense of duty to myself. so adulthood for me only represents the degree of positivity that i allow to influence my life. the older i get, the more i let go of the negativity i harbored for so long. it was inhibiting; it stunted my ability to advance. if the older i get, the less there will be within me holding me back, then i do look forward to gaining more years, more experience. i look forward to enjoying life beneath the surface and beyond the boundaries of what i might expect or imagine will happen.
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