from summer 2009

...........

7/24/09

.. ..

I let the door close behind me

As a resounding click indicated it was shut

I stepped nimbly onto the gravel

Almost tiptoeing to my car as if I had to be careful

Not to wake the people already in their beds

Sleeping for tomorrow.

.. ..

Sang along with Adele on the way home

Trying my throat after another day of coughing

The sound is supposed to come from my diaphragm

So the state of my throat shouldn’t affect my ability.

But I’m glad I only had three cigarettes today

And I hope eventually I have less.

.. ..

Both cats were waiting patiently as I pulled into the driveway.

They scurry over toward the car, as if they know that because

I am in it, it will not hurt them

(I’d like to believe they can differentiate between my car

And a stranger’s car, zooming toward them on the street).

They follow me inside because they know I feed them

But I appreciate their companionship so much

That I expect it to remain a part of my life

For many many years.

.. ..

I know it is okay to feel lost.

I’ve accepted that I have limited control.

I just wish I were more certain of where

To direct my energies.

.. ..

This feels good.  Right.

.. ..

Write.

.. ..

We walked into the bar expecting there to be celebration

But everyone was huddled around a table,

Subdued,

Perhaps tired; it had been a long day for all of us.

I’d only had three hours of sleep myself

And there I was wanting to keep things moving.

So later I asked the bartendress permission to bring in a CD

So that we could dance.  I explained that the bride really liked it

(which was true)

And Travis went out to the car to find it, couldn’t.

I went out to find it, did (just inside the door, next to the seat)

And minutes later my burned CD brought people to the dance floor

A square of wood separated by railings from the rest of the bar.

Only big enough for a small crowd, or a medium crowd dancing closely together.

I was so glad to have Travis there with me

And thought about the absurdity of the evening, the day, so far.

A friend gets married, walks determinedly into a commitment

That is nearly impossible for me to fathom.

I read a love poem for their ceremony, claim some sort of

Insight into a relationship of their stature,

My date is a close friend with whom jokes are made about a marriage of convenience

A man who will only ever romantically be interested in men.

The other single men at the bar assume I am with him—

(I’m flattered.  He’s very handsome and carries himself well).

I just dance.  I ignore how I assume I look

Or what other smaller dramas might be happening

Between bridesmaids and groomsmen.

I ignore how difficult it is to be in the presence of

Two people who have just joyously taken the first

Conventional steps toward a life together.

.. ..

I saw that my own parents’ marriage was not healthy. 

I wanted them to be happy

And it seemed that was more plausible once they were separated.

.. ..

I felt my mother’s remarriage was abrupt.  Irresponsible.

But she is my mother, and she seemed happy.

Now my stepfather lives in a different state

I live with my mother

Her mother lives with us

And so does my mother's fifteen year old daughter

(my baby sister, who will be fine, but will have a whole different set of

Issues with regard to marriage and relationships).

.. ..

I know it will all be fine.

But I know it will also all be a mess.

.. ..

My social experiments continue.

I keep reaching out to people I don’t know

Searching for common ground

Searching for connections.

Not romantic, mind you,

Because I know that’s…not pragmatic.

But open, of course,

I'm open to the possibility.

.. ..

I feel more like a collector

And I feel wrong for having fucked the kid

From a few towns over

In the back seat of my car

Even though I wanted it at the time.

I only wanted it at the time.

.. ..

It’s as if I want someone to need

And need me.

And yet I can’t let go of

(what is it—pride?)

Cynicism.

Believing it will end before it’s begun.

Because that supports the idea that I have to

Be able to do it on my own.

.. ..

We sat there in the dark

Me and another relative stranger.

We had just woken from a nap

And in the cool, humid room

He asked me to turn and face him

So that he could see my eyes in the

Light of the blue digital numbers

Of his alarm clock.

I remember thinking he was going to make

Some sort of admission.

But he spoke about the other women

He’d met through the dating service.

And how he’d been disappointed.

And I felt guilty for not being attracted to him

For not being able to offer him anything more

Than a loose friendship.

Am I stringing people along?

Should I just let them go?

How do I do that?

.. ..

I found myself fantasizing again about a boy from high school.

Nothing sexual.  Just seeing him,

Getting together for coffee and catching up.

I did that once, you know.

Got together with a kid from high school

That I used to be nuts about.

He was completely different and it shocked me

How much he had changed.

Perhaps because I felt like I had not

But moreso because he had abandoned parts of himself

In the past.  Parts of him were completely dead and forgotten.

And there I was able to recall so vividly how I felt,

And what I wanted.

I wanted him.  I wanted someone else.  I wanted to not be sad

And feel so alone.

.. ..

But loneliness is comforting.

Maybe only because I know I am not

Always alone

The times when I feel threatened by loneliness

Are empowering because I can reach into myself

And lift my soul up

And breathe gratitude

And peace.

.. ..

Another of my internet friends

Whom I don’t really speak to anymore since he

Kept asking me to help him get off

He was deeply saddened

By the fact that life had not turned out how he had expected.

And I felt fortunate.

Because I was never so certain about how things would be

That I could be disappointed.

Most things have honestly been a surprise.

And while that may seem directionless

Uninspired, ambiguous, aimless, careless

To a lot of people,

That’s just because they have grown toward

Other ways.

I enjoy making my own,

Regardless of how frequently my direction might have changed

Because

As I’ve said

There are so many parts of myself. 

There is no reason to accept a monotonous path

Stability is only necessary for certain levels of life. 

And I reject several traditions.  So far they do not seem compatible

With who I am.

.. ..

I think about my thesis advisor

And how awful I felt about quitting my thesis work.

But I had no idea what I wanted to say.  Where I wanted to go.

I reasoned that in a few years I might have a better idea.

The truth is I really do believe I could take any little piece of my life

And show how beautiful it is.  Leave plenty of ways for people

To interpret and create meaning of their own.

I could craft the story any way I saw fit.

.. ..

I do not want to go back to that job.  But I have to for now.

I just worry too much.  It’s crippling.

I need a day to get back to feeling beautiful

So that my strength returns

I need to get rid of this cough

So my body feels whole again.

I need a dream that has enough impact

To recharge my mind

So that it can not only push

But progress through another day.

Anotherday.